Specific Help for Elder Visiting

by John R. Sittema

Extracted from Ordained Servant vol. 5, no. 2 (April 1996).


“...being an elder demands that you visit the homes of your people!”

In his introductory remarks for this article Rev. Sittema—referring to earlier articles—says “I hope the sheer number of words didn’t cloud the simplest point of all: being an elder demands that you visit the homes of your people.” In the light of this basic principle he continues:

I remember my first “family visit.” I had all kinds of confidence, being a third year seminarian and all. That, of course, rapidly changed into a case of cotton mouth within five minutes of the start of the visit. I ran out of questions, then ran out of ideas, and finally, ran out of words. I looked at the wise elder who had accompanied me, terror in my eyes, and saw him smile knowingly. He took over, and taught me more in the next half hour than I’d learned about visiting from years of study. (His name is John Hettinga; he’s from Modesto, and I have here finally thanked him!) Perhaps you know the feeling, and maybe have already suffered Cotton mouth yourself. Maybe you’re a newly elected elder, dreading your first visit. These ideas might help you!

The First Visit to a Home

1. Before the visit, make sure you know the names of all in the home, especially children. Pray with your visiting partner, if you have one. (Check notes with him about any known concerns you may have (financial, family, habits, spiritual patterns, etc.). Have 2 or 3 Bible passages ready. 2. During the visit, aim at opening up. Let them get to know you: who you are as a person, what you believe the Bible says an elder is to be, what your plans are for pastoral care in your district, and how they might fit in. Also, listen carefully to get to know them. Ask each to relate his/her spiritual history. Learn about their job(s), hobbies, school, favorite toys, family history, how they came to your church. Remember, you arc to pastor real people, and to do it well, you must know them, and they you, as real people! Always end with prayer. Use Scripture throughout as appropriate. 3. After the visit, make notes on what you said and heard, and try to identify what subjects you think need further probing, what areas reveal sensitivity or hurt, what strengths they show that ought to be utilized in the ministry of the Lord.

Regular (Routine) Visits to Each Home

At least yearly (and in this impersonal and fast-paced world, I believe much more often is needed), you must return to that home. Again, before the visit, cheek notes about previous visits and observations you made then. Check Bible passages read (yes, keep records of all such information!), and prepare to read and discuss a few key passages. Unless you know of a specific issue that needs attention (a wayward child just moved out of the house, marital problems, a death in the family (etc.), your aim should be simple: to understand whether God’s Word is alive and functioning in their home, and to encourage them to live in it.

Specifics

1. Have the visit at the kitchen table or in the family room—a place where conversation is normal.

2. Generally, use open-ended questions, that is, questions that cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no” answer. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

A. Not: “Do you have personal/family devotions?”

But: “Describe your pattern for personal/ family devotions.” (Try to discover these sorts of things: Daily? Through a book of the Bible? Family discussions about what you read? Early morning? Mealtime? Use devotional guides? Parents as a couple? Children start at what age?)

B. Not: “Do you pray?”

But: “What do you parents pray for regarding your children’s lives? Plow do you children pray for your parents? What do you ask for?”

C. Not: “Does God’s Word shape your lifestyle?” But: “How do your children believe your home is different than a non-christian home?” (Be prepared to listen and to talk!) “What do you as parents believe is the greatest spiritual danger facing your children, and why?” (Be prepared to talk about television!) “Why is it difficult to share your faith in your neighborhood?” “What is the hardest thing about living your faith at work?” and “What are the greatest opportunities for testifying to Christ at your job?”

D. Not (never!): “Do you have any problems with our church?” But: “In what ways has the ministry of our church been a blessing to you and your family? How are you involved as part of our ministry? In what areas do you think we can improve our faithfulness, and how so?”

E. Not: “What is your view of Christian marriage?” But: “Tell me what you think of the view of marriage that TV portrays in programs like Cosby, Rosanne, Thirty Something.” (Hope and pray that their answer is “I never watch it!” Unfortunately, it probably won’t be.)

F. Not: “Do you consider yourself a Christian?” (I never ask that question, since so many counterfeit definitions are floating around!) But: “The Bible teaches that we know a tree by its fruit. What does your life produce that bears evidence that you are rooted in Christ?” I trust you get the point. You are seeking to discover how God’s Word functions in their lives. You are also seeking to encourage them to exalt it in growing areas of their lives. Get specific.

What About Mandated Visits?

How about those visits where you appear with one specific subject in mind? For example, a disciplinary call to rebuke or admonish, or a call to discuss their children’s lack of attendance at the catechism classes offered for their nurture. Any guidelines here? Here are a few:

1. Get to the point. Don’t beat around the bush discussing the weather. Tell them within the first minute or two of sitting down that you are here to talk with them about....

2. Be positive. Always approach the purpose of the visit as your desire and commission to minister grace and reconciliation. Your visit isn’t to criticize; it is to promote repentance and restoration. Do have your Bible open, with specific passages in mind. Do ask questions that encourage them to side with the saints in decision making: “How can I help you do what God’s Word tells you here?”

3. Remember your office. You may not appear cocky, arrogant, or abrasive. Such behavior is not fitting a servant of Christ. At the same time, you must not be lacking in courage or boldness. You are Christ’s representative: you must speak a Word from Him addressed to the situation you find. Don’t fail to read from the Bible; always try to have them read along in theirs.

4. Always pray before and after the visit. Your humble prayer demonstrates your dependence upon the One Who sent you, and shows to them that you, too, are “under authority.” It is not just they who must submit to Christ’s yoke!

5. Always summarize each meeting verbally. This may sound strange, but I mean it. Each visit will have accomplished something, even if only revealing their stubborn unbelief. Make sure they understand what you understand. At the end, draw together the strings: “Now, we have agreed that Scripture requires that you must begin showing love differently to your wife than you’ve been doing. You promised to do so and beginning today, right?” Or, “Let me understand clearly. You know the Bible calls your behavior adultery, and says that God calls you to honor your marriage because that pleases Him. Yet, you say you won”t give up seeing your boyfriend no matter what?”

In Summary

Though all visits you make are pastoral in purpose, aimed at caring for God’s flock, defending it from the wolves of the world, and leading it according to the Good Shepherd’s voice, we’ve seen that not all visits can be made with the same approach. Generally, the first visit you make to a home in your district has an introductory aim. The routine and regular visits you make may target specific issues or subjects, but all aim to discover whether or not God’s Word is functioning as the fountain of faith and life in that home. Only open-ended questions will reveal that information. The mandated visit is more formal, more narrow in scope, more pointed. Treat it accordingly.

Obviously, your congregation’s situation is different from ours here in Dallas. All are. Yet, the pastoral needs aren’t all that dissimilar, and, if nothing else I say here strikes you, let this hit you between the eyes: unless you visit your people, showing and telling them you truly care about their obedient faith and service and want to help them develop it further, you are sending them another message. That is simply this: we talk about faith around here, but it really doesn’t matter much.


We are grateful to Rev. Sittema for allowing us to use this article which first appeared in the Outlook magazine. We have—with the author’s permission—omitted the first two paragraphs in which he made reference to earlier articles in the series of which this was a part. Rev. Sittema is pastor of Bethel Christian Reformed Church in Dallas, Texas.