Marriage and the Power of Sexual Sin
David E. Longacre
Christian marriage is under attack on many fronts. One is the abandonment by spouses of time with each other due to work, children’s activities, and even commitments to the church. Other fronts are the ever-changing role expectations in the culture, and even the need for both spouses to work because of poor financial planning, accumulated debts, and other economic burdens.
It is often easy for couples to talk to friends about these problems. It is easy to relate how we wish we had more time for each other and for devotions together. It is easy to relate how we are sick of working so much to pay the bills. It is socially acceptable to have these types of problems. Talking about them even heightens our sense of personal piety—we reassure ourselves that at least we desire a better Christian life.
Yet there is a very real and spreading problem in Christian marriages that is not being discussed openly. It is hiding in the shadows. It is one that Christians are too embarrassed to mention, for fear of the shame it might bring. It is the problem of sexual sin. American Christians live in a sex-saturated culture. Our society daily bombards believers with images of beauty and sex. From billboards to magazine covers, there is no escape from the rising flood of sensuality. Even the record-breaking PG-13 movie Titanic had nudity in it. Moral standards are being lowered and, as a result, marriage and the family are being greatly affected.
With the advent of the Internet, people can now access the worst pornography imaginable in the secrecy of their own homes. Now individuals who would never think of going to the "seedy" section of town can click the mouse a few times and see, download, and even interact with sexually explicit materials. Secrecy is easy to achieve, with the only paper trail being a credit card statement. There are even free sites designed to allure and draw people in. Individuals can get sexually explicit materials into their homes without their spouses having a clue.
Once someone is lured into pornography, there follows an erosion of the marriage and family, and possibly even their eventual destruction. Single people can be corrupted to the point where their prospects for a pure and healthy marital relationship are seriously impaired.
Why Sexual Sin Is So Damaging
The reason why sexual sin is so destructive to marriage is that it strikes at the relational core of a couple. When God created Adam and Eve, they were created for sexual intimacy as well as to work together more broadly in life to accomplish their calling. Jesus, quoting Genesis 2:24, states that a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife (Matt. 19:4–6). While this has emotional aspects, the word "cleave" carries with it a sexual allusion. The man joins physically with his wife, and they become "one flesh." It is significant that only after the Fall did Adam and Eve became embarrassed by their lack of clothing.
Speaking to men, but expressing a principle that applies also to women, Proverbs 5:18–19 states: "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love." This passage clearly points to the pleasures of sex, and it obviously is not telling the husband to let his wife’s intellect satisfy him. It is her sexuality which is to satisfy him.
Surely Proverbs 31 does point to other important characteristics of a good wife, but we must never neglect the biblical admonitions to enjoy sexual relations with our spouses. The apostle Paul clearly states in 1 Corinthians 7:2–5 that husbands and wives are to enjoy each other and not deprive each other of sexual pleasure.
The point of all this is that God values sexual pleasure within marriage. It is a foundational expression of intimacy. It is also a critical spot for Satan to corrupt and thus destroy a marriage. There can be no doubt that sex outside of marriage is sinful and forbidden (Ex. 20:14), yet people reason that pornography is different since it does not actually involve sex outside of marriage. But people who get involved with pornography are still sinning through lust. Jesus’ statement about "adultery in the heart" in Matthew 5:27–28 speaks to this issue.
The real danger is that sexual sin is progressive and enslaving. The use of pornography inevitably leads to further sin. It distorts and corrupts the attitude of a person toward his or her spouse. As Psalm 101:3 states, if we look on impure things, they will reach out and grab us. This means that looking at something like pornography enables it to actually reach out and get ahold of us. Proverbs 7:22 describes the sexually sinning man as one who is in chains. Sexual sin is a form of bondage.
Sexual sin becomes in many people’s lives what Obadiah Sedgwick, one of the Westminster divines, called a sin of dominion (see Anatomy of Secret Sins, reprinted by Soli Deo Gloria, 1995). The person is dominated and controlled by the sin. The Christian who is struggling with such a sin must be aware that it is slavery. Since it is slavery at the core of one’s being, it cannot be defeated simply by making a promise and saying a prayer. There is a serious need for a deep, healing work of God’s grace that requires, among many things, confession, accountability, and counseling from a more mature fellow believer (Matt. 18:15–20; Gal. 6:1–5; James 5:16).
God promises in the Bible to transform us "by the renewing of your mind" (Rom. 12:2). This can only happen as those struggling with sexual sin openly discuss it with their spouses with the help of Christian counselors. As long as the sin remains hidden, it will grow and strengthen its grip.
Some Practical Hints
Since sexual sin is so easy to conceal—at least in its early stages—it is important that spouses have open and honest discussions of these issues. Since men are more prone than women to using pornography, most of the following advice is geared for wives. Nowadays, a woman should monitor her husband’s use of the Internet. A critical clue to look for is if he prefers to be alone, or if he seems to quickly click the mouse to change the screen when someone walks into the room. A woman should also look for any change in routine and be alert to any gaps in time and money. A husband ought to be able to account specifically for his time and money. The same is also true for wives.
A wife should not be afraid to come out and simply ask her husband if he is looking at pornography or is involved in any other sexual sin. She should watch his reaction for clues such as righteous indignation, anger, carefully phrased responses, or even just a blush. If the question is asked with a display of genuine concern for his spiritual well-being, and not as an accusation, then a husband ought to respond in love. Any attempt to dodge or deflect the question reveals the presence of some degree of sexual sin. If a wife fears even raising such a question, then the couple needs to seek the counsel of their pastor. Neither spouse should allow physical or verbal abuse to occur without seeking outside intervention. Intervention is a biblical command (Matt. 18:15–20).
Another important thing for a wife to remember is that she is not at fault if her husband is involved in sexual sin. His decisions are his decisions. She does not force him to sin, yet often a man will accuse her of not fulfilling his needs, even quoting 1 Corinthians 7:1–5. Sexual sin is not the result of a lack of sex; it is a distortion of sex. Underlying it is often a need for control, power, and escape. While a wife can do much to help her husband who is struggling, she should not accept any attempt by him to shift the blame to her (as Adam attempted to do).
Conclusion
Both husbands and wives need to be alert to the sexual dangers inherent in living in modern America. Both husbands and wives need to be willing to talk openly about their struggles, needs, and disappointments. Both husbands and wives need to be willing to look deeply at motivations and past events that affect their relationship to each other. Since sexual sin is so dangerous and so powerful, it is something that must be dealt with openly with the help of trusted Christian friends.
Ministries which specialize in dealing with the depth and dominion of sexual sin be can very helpful to individuals and couples. One such ministry, which comes at the issue from a Reformed perspective, is Harvest, USA, located in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. They can be reached at 215/342-7114, and may be able to make referrals to other ministries for people living in other areas of the country.
Christian couples dare not keep sexual sin hidden in the shadows. It will only get worse and destroy the family. Until individuals and couples work through the bondage issues and face their own sinful nature, patterns of sexual sin will continue to dominate their lives, destroying their marriages.
Mr. Longacre is the pastor of Village Presbyterian Church (PCA) in Mount Laurel, N.J. He is also a volunteer with Harvest, USA, leading a weekly support and accountability group for men who are struggling with sexual sin. He quotes the NASB.