Major corporations throughout the west are having to train the incoming crop of business graduates in basic manners. The decline in manners began in the 1960s. As a hippy convert to Christianity, I quickly learned that I needed to become—I know it sounds shocking—a gentleman. Fortunately, in the Bible and the church I found many examples to guide me. The vestiges of good manners were drilled into me at home by nominally Christian parents. Where have all the parents gone?

The way we dressed and dined at table became obvious places to begin reform. I have become a quiet reformer against what I call the cult of informality. Since correcting people is itself bad manners, unless the people are your children, leading by example is best. I soon recognized that many customary forms of dining and dress were rooted in seeking to make others comfortable in various social spaces. Even placing others first in saying “she and I” rather than “me and her” are grammatically correct because they place others first. This is supremely a Christian instinct. Waiting to eat before others are served enforces a humility that is distinctly Christian, but there is also a remnant of that instinct in God’s image-bearers. Dressing appropriately for each occasion in life shows respect for the occasion and for others. The forms of life make life meaningful in the garden and in the church. While these forms may change with time, making the proper distinctions does not.

Scripture is full of exhortations pertinent to good manners. The “golden rule” is a good place to begin. “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31). Attitude, speech, and deeds combine to craft good manners. The Latin origin of the word manners means “of the hand,” that is the way we act in the world. Paul reminds Titus to instill good manners in his congregation, “Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people” (Titus 3:1–2). “Perfect courtesy” stands out as a fundamental attitude in developing good manners. This is one Greek word (πραΰτης prautēs) usually translated “meekness” or “gentleness” (Eph. 4:2; 1 Tim. 6:11). “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience” (Col. 3:12). These are chief characteristics of Christ (Matt. 5:5; 2 Cor. 10:1). All speech should aim at being a blessing to others. “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29). This is especially important in speaking to those with whom we have a strong disagreement, “correcting his opponents with gentleness” (2 Tim. 2:25).

Generally then, good manners ease everyday relations when there is a way of doing things that everyone observes. It makes relationships congenial. Social conventions make social interactions smooth and amicable. What a lovely way of living as opposed to the awkwardness of having no rules for social engagement.

If “me and her” must go, let me suggest a hold on the ad infinitum “thank you.” “You’re welcome” has mysteriously disappeared. When someone thanks you, receive the gift with cheer and welcome. What is the responding “thank you,” thanking the thanked, for? This could lead to an infinite regress. It makes no sense to thank the thanker for thanking you. “You’re welcome” says, “I am happy to give you what you are thanking me for, and I would do it again.”

It has been heartening, after years of teaching my children good manners and correct speech, to see them doing the same with their children. Do not give up. The late Clifton Fadiman felt that the world of “cultivation he had worked so hard to master—Western literary canon, smoked salmon on toast points—had slipped from his fingers and been replaced by vulgarity and ugliness.”[1] But instead of being disheartened by the decline in good manners, we can treat others with respect and care. “Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed” (Rom. 13:7). “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor” (Rom. 12:10).

Endnote

[1] Anne Fadiman, The Wine Lover’s Daughter: A Memoir (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2017), 124.

Gregory E. Reynolds is pastor emeritus of Amoskeag Presbyterian Church (OPC) in Manchester, New Hampshire, and is the editor of Ordained Servant. Ordained Servant Online, August–September, 2025.